Embarrassing Things That Come In The Mail

 

What had happened was…

My husband told me not to use our P.O Box but to have everything delivered to his job, that way it comes directly to him (he doesn’t feel like gong to the post ooffice). So my childhood friend Ms.Nikki (the longest friendship I’ve had. We have known each other since Kindergarten), sent me this book. When I read the caption “A Gangster Love Story” and my husband told me that it was already opened, I was mortified! He said that the man apologized and said that he thought it was for the department because his name was printed very small.

My husband said that he immediately said, “Oh this is for my wife her friend sent this”. That’s when I realized how comical it was. I imagine the man thinking, “Yeah, he is married to a nigress”. At first thinking that maybe my husband had a fascination with all things black and was studying thug life (nope wrong white guy…he is as Opie Cunningham as they get), later thinking that it was just the typical smut those people  read.

Or maybe he didn’t give it a second thought and I’m just tripping.

*Thank You Ms.Nikki. My sister is getting married in two weeks and I’m going gift shopping and to get my mother a dress to wear, send me your address so that I can send you an abayah and niqab (over garment and face veil a little taste of Saudi – God Willing.

Interesting Perspective About The Difference Between Black Men/White Women and White Men/Black Women Relationships

I was reading a blog that discussed the writers observations on the difference between Interracial couples. She noted that:

1. BM/WW couples usually dated and had illegitmate children

2. WM/BW couples usually were happily married

What I found interesting was from one of the people who left a comment. It was a long comment and can be read here but I’ll quote what I found interesting.

For a Black woman and White male to really get involved, they must first meet, then overcome societal expectations. This is more easily done by intelligent, liberal-minded people; since intelligence and liberalism correlates with college education, both individuals in a BW-WM pairing are more likely to be educated or meet at places associated with smarts and status (museums, etc..) Furthermore, since the White man is at the top of the social hierarchy in America, dating a Black woman would actually be a social step down. The only way to compensate for this is if you have the “trophy” wife–which is why in BF-WM pairings, the woman is more often-than-not highly educated, above average in looks, and everything else that you’d want in a woman. She must be the ideal woman to compensate.

*Emphasis mine

Well that would explain why my husband chose me – rofl!

Just Thinking

As my header indicates, I am a black woman married to a white man. Obviously the children are mixed. Our particular combination is not very common. Most of the mixed kids I knew growing up had black fathers. So it is very rare that my children meet people with families like ours. Add to that that we are living in a foreign land.  They know many other mixed families, mostly my white friends married to Saudi men. For the longest I have been the only African American woman that they knew and their father has been the only white man they knew. Still, they knew white because  have many white friends, they know Arab because we are in an Arab land….but me and my nephew were the only black they knew (with the exception of brief encounters at Eid gatherings every year or so).

Now that we live in a more metropolitan area, they are exposed to many races. There are white men all over the place and they now have friends that have white Muslim fathers. We are also living closer to my African American friends so now I’m not the only AA woman they know. I even have a SISTAH do my hair once a week (no disrespect to the Filipina stylists who burned my scalp and fried my hair for almost 6 years!), so they get to play with AA kids on a regular basis now.

I’m not sure if my husband even noticed, or my kids, but I was just thinking about it.

Polygyny: Inconsiderate Proposals

For the past few days, I have been muling over this. I have calmed down, but I do suspect my blood pressure rose significantly the first 3 days after this incident. I will start off by saying that I am not against polygyny. I see it’s merits, but I also see where it can go wrong. I am not one of the pro-polygyny sisters who actively seek spouses for their husbands (although I have a bleeding heart and every time I read of some single struggling sister who is just looking for a good brother to marry, I feel guilty that I haven’t offered up mine. So guilty that I will inform him of the case), nor am I one of the anti-polygyny sisters who draw up iron clad prenuptial contracts. I am more of the practical-realist type of sister. Who realizes the nature of men and believe that if the circumstances are right, all involved are sincere, then it can be doable.

The first step to being doable, in my book is by having respect and consideration for the woman he is already married to. Since coming to Saudi, my husband has become somewhat of a chick magnet…masha’Allah. However, it’s like nobody gives a darn about me or his children – except him! It appears that people think that he will just drop us and run with the new offer. Now as much as my husband and I drive each other up the wall and stark raving mad at times – that man is nothing without me…rofl! He knows that..fact! So why are these people so rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate? I’m trying really hard not to pull the race card on this one.

Once, he ran into a Turkistani-Saudi man. The man invited us over for dinner and we came and met his family. After, that my husband started getting strange phone calls from women and they would hang up the phone on me whenever he would pass it to me. He found out that the man had given out his number, and he had not even expressed a desire to marry another wife (well at least not a serious one, who knows what the man may have thought if my husband told him what he told me about wanting 4 wives and 2 slave girls…yeah right!).

After that, a female matchmaker contacted him. She was divorced herself and also wanted to get married. She asked him if they could meet at the beach and he said Okay. He excitedly, told me about it and asked me to go with him. I was less than thrilled, but I always have my husband’s back (that’s what he loves about me…lol) and I’m nosey – so I went. The woman was shocked, that he brought his family. I was told by a Saudi friend (who is currently interested in marrying my husband), that this is because they are not use to Saudi men being open about polygyny. It is usually done in secret (frequent business trips) or the man will tell the second wife that he is miserable in the first marriage but staying with her because of the children. So, I sat with this matchmaker woman – while my husband played with the children in the park and would occasionally come over and sit separate from us with his back to her (even though she was covered), to answer her questions. When he would leave, she would call different women to tell them all about him, again she is one who mistakenly believes that if you do not speak Arabic, you don’t understand it. I understood everything and my nephew would clarify some things. To me it was rude, because she spoke of us as if we weren’t there and she would laugh at whatever the other women would say. At the conclusion of the gathering, she informed my husband that she had several interested women, but that he could only marry them if he relocated me and the children for one to two years, until her heart softened and she could accept us! The audacity of these people and she actually said this in front of me! Did she actually think that my husband would even consider such a proposal? Did I not say that he is lost without me? ROFL!!!

Another time a good friend of mine and her husband came up with some genius idea to help a friend. The friend is married to a Saudi man, but was stuck in another country awaiting Saudi Government permission to have a Saudi recognised marriage and then be granted a visa to join her husband in Saudi. Well my friend and her husband were getting a little fed up with the wait and thought that maybe the husband was not doing all that he could do to get her over here. So one day the husband calls and tells (not ask) my husband that he and his wife want my friend (who they have not discussed this with) to divorce her husband and for my husband to marry her and bring her over here. Now, I have put up with a lot of crap when it comes to people coming to my husband about marriage and I never say anything. My husband always tells me and values my opinion but I tell him he will not blame me one way or the other and that he needs to make his own decisions. I’ve put up with the man who offered him his jinni possessed sister. Or this same family in this case, asking him to marry the Filipino maid of their relative who took her shahadah the day before. But, to ask my husband to consider marrying an already married woman! That took the cake. I blew up on that one. That was inconsiderate of everybody. That woman loves her husband to death and he adores her…why would they try and do such a thing? Not to mention these were friends of ours…how awkward!

However, the other night topped them all! Maybe it was because I am extremely hormonal. Or perhaps it was because I was already in a bad mood for having unwanted guest. I had a neighbor and her too live crew over. I then got a long distance phone call from a friend in the States. I will admit that I was rude and was on the phone for a very long time. While on the phone, the neighbor wrote a note and sent it to my husband via my daughter. I saw this (and I saw how her daughter kept looking at me and looking at the note to see if I was paying attention and then whispering to her mother…typical Arab behaviour). I thought to myself, “how inappropriate to pass a note to my husband without consulting me.” I didn’t think anything malice about it, other than it being inappropriate, and even thought that it was her asking him the meaning of a word (which she has done before, but through me). Then the note came back and their were a few more exchanges and all the while I’m on the phone checking this all out and getting pissed off! Still, I did not suspect anything. I only thought that she was maybe getting translations from him, but I thought that and knew that she would not be doing this if I were anybody else and that is what was getting me so upset!

After, I got off the phone, I went in the room with my husband and asked him what was this all about. He was shocked, because he thought I knew. I told him I was on the phone and knew nothing. He said, ” Well, I’m not hiding anything so here are all the notes, read them.” I snapped! I was like, “they are all in Arabic!” So he started translating all the notes. The first one from her was her telling him that she has a 19 year old niece (they are Arab but not Saudi), who she wanted to find a good religious husband for and to bring her to Saudi. She said that she did not mind being the second wife. My husband claims that he actually had a few other brothers in mind for her and not him, but I’m not stupid…the thought of a 19 year old virgin would make any middle aged man think twice! Not to mention his response in the note he sent back was, “is she literate?” Like he was really asking that question for another brother! He told me to give him husnan thun (benefit of doubt) and that he was not interested. I told him how disrespected I felt and how I didn’t appreciate her trying to be slick and that she knew she was wrong (obviously she knew because while I was in the room with my husband she packed her crew up and left!). He again advised me to have husnan thun for her. I did have some husnan thun. I knew that her motives was because she is from an improvised country and she saw opportunity for a relative and jumped on it.That was not my complaint, my complaint was that she had done it not only behind my back (not that you need ask the wife permission to marry the husband but as a woman she had no business approaching my husband, she could have told me or had her husband ask) but in a shameful way by sending the letter directly to my husband. Again he brought up husnan thun and said that maybe she is from a society that intermingles. This woman has been in Saudi for 20 years! Even a kafir would never stoop so low as to send secret letters to a friends husband about another woman, so the whole cultural intermingling excuse did not fly with me. I asked him how he would feel if he were on the phone and I sent a note to his guest – even an innocent note saying, “please give your wife my greetings.” Would that be appropriate or would it be better if I asked my husband to tell him? It would even be better if I said it directly, but a private note!

I then pulled out the race card. I told him what I thought and what I think every time people disregard me in our marriage. I’m not saying that I am right, but I can’t help to think that they do this because I am black and they feel I am not worthy of a white man. I hate thinking that, but it is how I feel. I am not an insecure person and I am the last person to play the race card, if anything I sometimes can not relate to direct racism.

The conversation at the picnic, further validates my feelings. You see, this is a conformist society. They do not believe in individualism. Everything is group think. So if one man finds white/light women attractive in their mind all men prefer white/light women over black women. Not only that, but because she herself was a sought after white Arab married to a Afro-Arab, she knows first hand of the epidemic. So in their minds, the white man – the best of God’s Creation, should only naturally prefer someone his equal. Now, what reason or explanation they have for why my husband is married to me is beyond me, but it’s obvious that they think he needs saved or if they are trying to improve the life of someone they know it’s obvious that they think my husband does not care about me and would do anything to have a white/light woman.

Think about it. Many of these women would not have married a black man if they were not desparate and he was a meal ticket for them. So again, I wonder what benefit they see in my husband being married to me? Surely, I am not his meal ticket. My husband absolutely refuses for me to work! I even suggested that once all the children are in school I can get a job at one of the Universities and start saving for our old age, bi’ithnillah. He finally admitted that other than wanting his children properly cared for, and other than his male ego of being the provider, he secretly thought that having my own money would be a fitnah for me and that I would want to leave him! Who would have thought he was insecure about his blackie wife leaving him?! So he didn’t marry me for the money. Obviously, not for my beauty, because we all know that black women are ugly. Religion does not even enter in their minds and I’m not sure if they are aware of the stereotypical wanton behavior (myth) that black women carry, for that to factor into their thought process. Truth be told, they don’t think about why he is married to me, all they think about is how they can get him away from me!

I know there are many other women of all colors and nationalities who have had people be inconsiderate of them when it comes to polygyny and that perhaps I am wrong for assuming it is race related, but the proof is in the pudding. I have read trifling things other black women have done to get a black man. I know about the trophy white wives, being mistreated by their Arab husbands and their families. I know this croses all the color divides, but I can not shake the feeling that because he is white and I am black that they either feel that I don’t deserve him, he deserves better, or that if he will settle for a black woman than surely he will desire someone better.

Nuff said…

There Is An Epidemic In Saudi! Could It Be In The Water?

I just had a neighbor leave my house. Her husband has caught this thing that has been going around lately. It appears to be effecting most middle age men, but black men in particular are at a higher risk and prone to be susceptible to it.

My community has had a sudden outbreak. The alarms first went off about a year ago, after one of my neighbor’s husband died shortly after acquiring this. What was horrifying to many was that the wife did not learn until after the death of her husband that he had been vulnerable. What especially concerns many of the women in my community, is that we have a known carrier and transmitter in our midst. He and his family are purposely exposing others to this fitnah. Many families are bearing this calamity (for some – others see it as a blessing and all Muslims should be reminded that whenever the believer is afflicted with anything it is good for them) with patience and perseverance. Unfortunately, for others there have been disastrous results!

I come from a family with high blood pressure and diabetes, so it is not alarming to me when I am told in all of my pregnancies that I have these diseases. All the same, it can be discouraging. So it came as no surprise to me today, when my neighbor came to my house to have a serious talk with me to inform me of her husband’s condition.

I live in a small community. It is actually like a small town or Village. Several thousands of people, but still once something of this proportion occurs, the word gets around – FAST and others try to seek means to protect their families. Allahu Musta’aan.

Not only is this a small community, but it is a working class community (think Detroit and Automobile plant workers) and there are NO rich people here. Most are just making ends meat and others are struggling to keep their heads above the water. This is why when faced with something of this magnitude,  some women will put their trust in Allah.  While others may wonder “how will my family survive? how can my husband properly provide for our family in his condition?” What bothers some is that many of these men have found themselves in such predicaments after their loving wives, who have been very supportive of their meager earnings and stood by their sides for many years bearing many children and sacrificing much – just to find that their husband has had a secret stash/savings to run off to another country, where he has contracted this liability.

What is it you ask? What has swept across this small Saudi community? What has separated husband from wife, mother from child? What is Umm Adam talking about?

I’m talking about black men, with black wives, running off to other Arab countries marrying younger non-black wives making their first darker, older, and outer shaper wife feel inferior! That’s what I’m talking about!

My neighbor who visited me today, came over a month ago to tell me that one of our other neighbor’s husband had just brought back a ‘white Arab’ wife from another country and moved her into their tiny apartment with their five children. After telling me today, that she herself has just found out that her husband married a younger non-black woman 4 months ago and will be bringing her here to live in their house with them in just a few weeks. She then informed me that our neighbor, who she told me about last month, has been sent back to her family in another city with her three month old baby and left behind her other four children after the new wife insisted that they could not live together.

It is so widespread in my community, that if a woman hears that her husband was seen talking to a certain brother then she freaks out. S.B has 3 wives and it is he and his wives family business to be matchmakers. There speciality is polygyny. if a man wants to get his wife in line all he has to do is threaten her that he will go to see S.B. My husband even tried to pull that on me once. I was sick and tired one night and after 9 years of marriage, all of which with exception to the first 4 months I have been sick and tired (mostly child related), he wasn’t in the mood to hear this, so compassion went out the door and he resorted to, “I’m going to see S.B!” See..now I’m not one of those martyr wives who on their death beds are making coffee and tea for their husbands. I actually am one of the stupid wives who actually expect that marriage is a partnership and that on my death bed he will change my soiled sheets. So of course I retorted with, “No need to go see S.B; I know your type, I’ll hook you up! Now can I get some sleep?”

Anyway, S.B caught a bad rap, last year when after taking another one of our neighbors to sign a marriage contract, he was in a fatal car accident. He survived, but the neighbor died. His wife was later informed that she would have to share her inheritance, because he was coming from signing a marriage contract. The women of my community were very disturbed about this, many knew that it was Islamically correct but thought that the new wife who had not yet consummated the marriage should fore-go her rights and give it all to the widow and children.

Since, then it seems like every black man where I live has ran off and taken another wife. That in and of it self is not so bad. What makes it more heartbreaking to these women is that they already have inferior complexes about being black in a society that places so much value on light skin, that it is extremely hurtful and damaging to the self-esteem when their black husbands – who know what it is like to be black here – runs out and purposely marries lighter to raise his self-esteem!

My Family Drama

There was a comment left on another entry that I will address here. I hate hijacked threads. It’s something many would consider private, even myself but it needs to be clarified since it was put out there. I wrote this with no hard feelings or animosity. When you blog about fragments of your life, people often time do not get the whole picture. Not that it is anybodies business, but the Prophet salla Allahu Alayhi wa Salaam, would do what he could to remove suspicion from him. In this case some suspicion and doubt have been placed on my husband and I that I would like to shed some light on.

• MyopicVision Says:
  July 30th, 2007 at 5:42 am eAssalamu Alaykum
  …As for your issues with your childen. May Allah make that easy for you.
  Your nephew is only a reflection of his upbringing..and forgive me sister..but you raised him. What did you do?…Or didnt you do to cause him to have such an angry attitude towards your husband and children? Your husband sounds rather ignorant. To me you seem like a strong woman of color. whether you are wheat, coco or ebony. What have you done to influence your husband? Maybe him seeing your husband say dubious things(mulatto??!) hasnt helped him. Maybe he feels like the ugly duckling because he is the only “black” family member. I mean if you “pass”.Your kids “pass” then what about him?
  Dont be mad at me for pointing out what I see. I have three children. I call them my Benetton kids due to the advertising campaign of United Colors of Benetton. My three sons all vary in complexion. One is ‘red bone”..another a rich lovely chocolate. I have worked very hard to give each child self esteem as relates to themselves and their brothers. As a result I never hear my children tease eachother because of color.Now they tease eachother due to fat or bad haircuts but never ever complexion.
  I also have a 2 yr old. He is bi-racial. He looks like his rather white skinned latino father. He takes after his father. One of my biggest worries was how would my children react to a child that was so obviously different. Alhamdulillah they have had No issues at all. They call him their little puertorican brother and thats cool with me. Spanish people think Im panamanian. They are surprised when i tell them i am jamaican with a cuban grandfather. My point? Its all down to you and what they see in their environment and you being the parent get to control that environment.
  Last note..i was married to a white brother who was racist. I consider him racist because he referred to black people as monkeys. When I stepped to him about it…he said i was different. i was ‘alright”.
  Suffice it to say i kicked him to the kerb and kept it moving….
  MV

MV, my nephew is brain damaged. Nothing he does is a reflection of his upbringing. He was a mentally, physically, and emotionally abused and neglected child when my husband <b>insisted</b> that we take him in. The damage was done to him in the womb. I don’t know ANY brothers who would have put up with the things we have had to endure. He gets more attention and material things than all of our children combined. He is a challenging child to raise.

He is jealous that he is not the only person in my life anymore. We have always been very close (remember all my little Woo Woo post before Saudah was born?). He even had sympathy pregnancy symptoms when I was pregnant with Saudah.  I have been taking care of him since his mothered abandoned him at 6 months old. Only I had the help of my mother and brother then. I was away from him for a year and then my dh and I got custody of him. The resentment grew for my husband as he got older because my husband tried to enforce Islamic values on him and make him do chores that any other family member his age would do. And yes shaytaan would come to me at times and make me angry with my dh every time they had a fight over taking the garbage out and I would tell him, “he’s not your slave!” If I ask my husband to do something and he tells me to have my nephew do it, I get angry. This is from Shaytaan.

Now that we know he has Fetal Alcohol Effects, we have been advised by a Shaykh that the pen is more than likely lifted from him so not to stress ourselves out if he misses the salat at the masjid, or wears his pants too long, etc (things that were causing major problems for my dh and him and making me want to kill them both). Now we are concentrating on how we can get him to possibly live slightly independent as an adult and to keep him out of trouble.

My nephew has caused a lot of friction in our marriage. Sometimes I feel I have to choose between the two of them. Also, many well meaning people who don’t have a clue always has so much advice for us. Half the people tell me we need to get him out of our house and focus on our kids. Others say it is cruel to even put him in boarding school and that he is our responsibility. I once had a friend (American married to Saudi), who asked if she could raise him. She thought that my husband and I were inexperienced, too new of a couple, and the other children in our home were too young. She went to a Shaykh and got permission to give him breast milk from a cup, even though he was 11 years old and told that she could be his foster mother.

My nephew is very impressionable young man. Handsome and articulate…so it must be our fault when he misbehaves. We let them have a shot, after warning them and advising them that it was not as simple as they thought. I cried the entire time he was gone. The house was a lot less chaotic and my husband and I got along a lot better. I was not as easily frustrated with my own children. However, I felt like I failed and abandoned my nephew. He was loving being away, because everything is an adventure for him. After a week they bailed out. They returned him, saying he was our responsibility and that he was corrupting their children. They could not get him to do chores or recite Quran with enthusiasm and were worried for their children as their kids looked up to him and thought he was cool so they started slacking off. The same Shaykh told them that since I was family we had to have him, then a year later they went back to the same Shaykh and told him some other stuff (they had taken him to a fast food restaurant and he took some buns that were by the storage room door and passed them out to all the kids) and the Shaykh told them it was haram for him to be in our house because he was corrupting our children. Every since then my dh has cut all emotional ties with him and now he resents having him here. Even after I put him in a boarding school that my mother is killing herself to pay for!

Once he cut my daughters hair out (took the whole braid and cut it). I told him to stay in his room while we ran to the salon to even it out. He threw a fit so bad it scared my dh. He started going into convulsions and babbling. My husband said please let him come with us…look at him. So we said come on. As soon as we said it, he jumped up and hopped in the car and talked nonstop witha big happy smile. Another time, he had done something and we had to run a quick errand. I told him to stay home and to stay in his room and not come out. When I got home every light in the house was on so I knew he was out of his room. My husband was unloading the car when I came in and immediately noticed the computer on. It was surrounded with all of the things he considered precious. He left word open with a suicide note saying by the time we read it he would be dead. Willed his boys handbook and soccer book to my dh and told me he loved me. Told us not to look in the laundry room because that is where we would find his body. I stumbled out to the car and told my husband, fell down , and actually wet myself! My husband lost all the color in his face and told me to stay outside with the kids. He looked so sick and pathetic. He searched the house for him and didn’t find him. I asked him to look in his room and he found him in the bed. He checked him and saw he was alive and woke him up. I was so hurt and angry and happy at the same time. But I couldn’t look at him. I had already accepted that he was dead and seeing him was freaking me out. He just kept smiling and saying “what…what I do?” I had a friend stay with me briefly when we were in America. My nephew had misbehaved that day and we did not want to reward him by taking us to run errands (we were going to apply for passports). We left him at hoe with her and came back to a war zone. She reads my blog and I’m sure she will understand what we are dealing with. She had to physically restrain him!

This past year he has improved so much (the boarding school is perfect for him…he gets well balanced meals, no junk food, no skipping meals or late meals, plenty of physical and recreational activities, a completely structured and supervised environment), alhamduillah and now the only problems we have out of him is his resentment,laziness, and irresponsibility. He and my dh avoid each other, so it is really my issue. I deal with it alone with no support. He doesn’t even always resent them. It’s how his brain works. He doesn’t think before he talks, he just blurts out. So my dh could have just taken him shopping, gave him spending money or whatever, Saudah could be being extra nice to him and he could be in a great mood – then all of a sudden out of nowhere comes some evil comment. I believe that shaytaan whispers to him and without the eemaan or sense he does not have the strength to fight him off. This is why he has to have constant structure and supervision. This is why I am grouch and exhausted and don’t have time to take care of myself. This week he is with my surgeons family (took my gall bladder out and has been a family friend every since), so I have had time to come on and blog. The two weeks before when I hadn’t been on the blog, is because I have to watch him non-stop. He came home and told me how some boys torture other kids by giving wedgies and twisting their nipples. I told him well we don’t play like that in this house and do not teach the kids. One day I was on the computer, with my door open and kids in full view. My daughter screams and comes crying to me that he pinched her. She later showed me her chest where he twisted her nipple. It was bruised all over. She said she was too embarrassed to tell me before and begged me not to get on the computer anymore. I felt awful cuz I pride myself in always keeping an eye on the kids. She cried and said, “Don’t tell Abi…he’ll be mad at [nephew]”. Part of the damage he has is that he lacks good judgement and is impulsive. So even though, he was told not to do that to my daughter he did. The bad judgment can kill somebody wa authu billah. He picked up his big size 10 roller blade the other day and swung it full force at Saudah’s head, she got out of the way but instead it hit her hip and leg and bruised the left side of her body. He did this right in front of me…it’s could have killed her if it hit her head!

As far as him passing. He fits in here better than all of us! He and I are the same, but I don’t speak Arabic. Once I open my mouth it’s over! Saudis completely accept him and treat him like there own. The boy has been getting marriage offers since we came here. Mostly from white Saudis, until the other night at the black walima when they tried to hook him up. There is a Moroccan woman who keeps calling the house inquiring about him. I met another Moroccan woman a few weeks ago and she told me to tell her when it’s time for him to get married, because she wants to find him a wife. If he was in America he would be a fitnah for some little girl. He is a cutie and a sweetie pie. He’s tall and in good shape. Having adorable dimples gets him a lot of attention. In Bahrain I had a Bahraini woman tell me not to send him to the store because he was very attractive and they had bad men who grabbed kids. Everybody that knows him loves him. He is very likable. He just has issues.

 However, he is embarrassed to be seen with us. If I ask him to help with the kids in public, he doesn’t want to because he thinks people will look at him funny. He was once told to get away from them by someone who didn’t know he was suppose to be with them. I think he is more jealous that they have both of their parents who love and care for us and he misses that. He loves hs mother and father with all of his heart but neither of them ever tries to contact him. Teasing my kids about being white is just a smoke screen. He teases Saudah about being fat, Ramlah for having a big nose, and Adam for having a big head. He drew a picture of the whole family and it said “The Big Family.” He resents our family, because he wants his own. I pray that Allah gives him a loving family of his own someday…Allahumma aamen.

On my FASD group, I have read many caretakers say that once their child found a significant other in their lives…things improved tremendously. FASD children are very charming. I often think some some of these good for nothing men who can sweet talk any woman has FASD cuz one of the traits is that language wise they are highly sophisticated. My nephew is fluent in Arabic and can parrot any dialect after sitting with you for a few minutes. He can speak with basically any Arab in any dialect. He can even detect a Shia…right away because he said their accent is disgusting and harsh. He picked up on French and Spanish with very little effort and went on a 10 day safari to Tanzania African in May and came back teaching me some of the language.

My husband and I have made many sacrifices raising him, yet all we get is constant criticism. When he started using bad words at the Saudi Schools, they told my dh that the children there do not use such language and implied he got it in the house. My dh told them we do not speak Arabic in the house, so where did he learn the words? Saudi kids have filthy mouths, but they’d rather blame us. Even the school he is in now, faults me for his low grades. They say I don’t encourage him to succeed and do better. He’s peaked academically, there is nothing I can  do. We hire tutors and everything just to make sure someone sits with him to make sure he gets all his work done. The tutors, who really like him, eventually have to give up. It’s exhausting. My FASD list scares the hell out of me! I had to unsubscribe because everyone was advising me to get some help for myself and told horror stories of caretakers who have suffered horrible physical and mental conditions as a result. Stress will kill you or deteriorate you! When they found out I had my own kids to raise as well they said to put him in a home. Most of these parents adopted these kids from Russia, Romania, and Native North Americans (Indians on reservations have a huge drinking problem) and did not know they had FASD. You don’t hear much about African Americans with FASD cuz our kids are overlooked and just considered bad. So they end up a different statistic. Dead or in jail. That’s what I’m trying to save my nephew from.

Allahu Musta’aan.

As for my husband being an ignorant racist. It’s possible! No, really, he is a typical suburban white boy who had no exposure to minorities. He isn’t racist but he holds some racist and sexist views and was raised by racist parents. He often reminds me of Archie Bunker. We argue over stuff like Affirmative Action. Me being for it, him being against it. Him thinking every black with a good job only got it after AA beat some poor qualified white guy out of a job and gave it to some unqualified minority. He doesn’t mean any harm. This is how he was raised to think. He does not treat people based on their race. He treats everyone fairly. If I were to be honest, I’ve heard worst things said by African American Muslims about whites then I have ever heard him say (and he really doesn’t say anything). I have had an African American Muslim, ask me if my husband smelled like a wet dog, another ask me directly about the size of his private part, and one tell me that she could never marry a white man because of what she heard about white men! My husband would never say such things. His thoughts come from his past and his republican views (he’s not a republican anymore). He’s a good man with good character. Unfortunately, we are from a culture that inbreeds certain ways of thinking and places certain stereotypes on people. He doesn’t mistreat my nephew, but at the same time he doesn’t know how to raise a child with his issues. He provides and maintains for him as he does all of his children, and the love, affection, and nurturing I provide (as I do for all of my children). We are not perfect.

Racism and Colorism In Saudi

I received an email that I would like to respond to on my blog. 

Salaam Umm Adam,
    Let me first say that I am happy that you are taking the time to answer my questions. No worry, you do not have to be an expert to answer my questions I just would like to know your opinions.

Due conversations with acquaintances, friends and even family members who have worked in the Middle-East and my own brief experience in Dubai, I am now under the impression that many Arabs have negative if not very racist attitudes towards Africans (also South-Asians and Filipinos).

I have heard stories from Somali and Ethiopian refugees now living in the DC area of young Saudi kids insulting them or sometimes throwing rocks at them while walking on the streets.
Filipina domestics physically beaten, raped or going months without pay.
South-Asian workers not paid but still required to work under the burning sun.
Africans being constantly being called “abeed” by young and old.
My brother-in-law’s mother (Chadian) cannot count the number of times she was called “abeed” or “zurga” and was even deported because she complained about the fact that her employer had not paid her for several months.

I used to think that the Saudis would be more tolerant because a significant part of the Saudi population appears to be African or at least of mixed-heritage. But I guess colorism  amongst Saudis is probably as bad as it is amongst Indians.

As a black-American woman living in KSA, what’s your impression? Are you treated relatively well? What is your relation with Afro-Saudis? How do your kids interact with local kids?

Thanks for your thoughts.

BTW: Great blog!

Wow! This is a really heavy topic. I actually am not the best person to answer this question. My family has not personally experienced situations like those you have heard of. I have heard of similar stories, but not first hand accounts. Always people who know someone that had this happen to them. I don’t doubt it happens. Unfortunately, racism and nationalism are evils from their pre-Islamic lifestyles that remain in their culture to this day. You will find that the more religious try harder to treat everyone fairly and just.

My family has many Saudi acquaintances. That’s as close as it gets. It’s hard to consider them close companions even though they are very good to us. Saudis are tribal so you won’t get too close. They usually are only close with family, it’s not racist just reality.

It is true that Saudi has a large population of African descendants as well as mixed heritage nationals. I have seen blacks in very prominent positions here. They are given the same opportunities as anyone else. Here it is all about wasta (connections) and there are blacks with wasta too.

Colorism, is an issue here. This week I’ve gone to two walima’s (wedding parties). I don’t ordinarily mix with Afro-Saudis but this week I did. The first wedding was an all black wedding. There were a handful of non-black guest (mostly trashy Arabs) a disturbing amount of morbidly obese people, and a few non-black wives.

Last night’s walima was for a mixed heritage cousin from the same family. Marrying a white (that’s what they call them not me) Saudi. The venue and guest were very different than the previous. The hall was very elegant and posh. The guest were mostly mixed heritage and white. The women’s dresses and makeup were tasteful, they appeared healthier and in better shape. The black cousins from the previous walima were there. They self segregated themselves and took wall seats and remained fully veiled the entire night. I could not help to make this observation, because the night before they were flaunting their tackiness. It was obvious that they felt completely out of their element and also obvious that the majority mixed raced cousins were trying to distance themselves from the black side of the family as much as possible. I think Tariq Nelson does an excellent job explaining this phenomenal on his blog, The New ‘Passing’ .

I was once befriended by an Afro-Saudi family. They wanted me to find them white husbands. Their mixed cousins (Syrian mom/Afro-Saudi dad) came right out and told me that they wanted to lighten the family up. They were making progress and not going back. With their black father dead and out of the picture they blended in just fine. The oldest son took dad’s job at the oil company, the house was paid for upon his death, the government supported them, and the father’s/son’s boss married his white daughter to the son and since I couldn’t/wouldn’t find white husbands for the daughters they have all settled for white Saudis. There will be no trace of black in their family, and they want it that way. 

I was hesitant to discuss this topic on my blog. I am asked it so much. I don’t think blacks are treated nearly as bad as other nationalities. African Americans are known to whip out their passports as soon as they detect a problem, so maybe we can not fully relate. Saudis are more nationalistic than racist. Even the blacks love their country. The hit song last night was called Ashsha Saudiyyah (Long Live Saudi). Once the the band played that everybody jumped up, many pulled out national flags, and even the people who were just sitting danced on that one.

Inter-Racial Couple’s Thought Provoking Discussion On Slavery and It’s Evil Effects

This morning my family was coming home from a Walima (yes, morning…we left at 3 AM!). It was a long and exhausting drive, the kids were sleep, but I stayed awake to watch my husband. He was tired, because he slept in the car for 3 hours. The men eat and call it quits around midnight, but the women party all night long!

My husband and I are an inter-racial couple. I am African American he is White American. We had been driving around longer than necessary, cuz well my dh gets lost a lot. Every time, I tried to start a conversation he requested silence. At one point he looked like he was dozing off, so I asked if he was OK. That started me to go into a soliloquy about being tired. Then I asked him if he ever heard the expression “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired”. I asked him not to play tennis today, because his body had rights over him and that he was tired and that he always gets sick after being tired. Then I reminded him to never forget to thank Allah for being a man. I explained how merciful Allah was to him, because every time he gets sick, he gets sick leave and can go in his room and recover bi’ithnillah. I went on to say that it is not so for the mother, because she has to manage a house regardless of her physical or mental state. I then praised Allah and said, “Can you imagine how tired you must be to be sick and tired of being sick and tired?”

Still silence on his end.

I took that to mean continue – so I did. I said, “Just imagine being out in the field from sun up to sun down. Day after day. Pregnant! Delivering your child in the field and going back to work the same day!”

DH: Where’s that Root Beer?

If you guys know anything about me then you know that I can carry on a pretty good conversation all by myself, I don’t need a man…lol. So I went on to say how slavery has done more damage to my people than anything else and how we are still suffering as a people from it’s evil effects.

Dh: Can you scratch my back? 

I Imagine he was thinking (if he was paying attention to me), “Isn’t this why you have a blog? why are you telling me this?”

I then place my hand on his lap. We sometimes hold hands in the car. At the time he was driving with both hands on the wheel. He let go of the wheel with one hand and reached over and held my hand switched gears.

Ebony and Ivory living together in perfect harmony…

Facts of Life: A Talk With My 7 year Old Biracial Daughter

The following conversation took place this morning while fixing my bed. It was monotone and matter-of-fact. No animosity at all, just a mother daughter talk.

Daughter: When is [insert my nephew’s name] coming home?

Me: He won’t be home this week because he left this morning for a 10 day safari in Tanzania Africa.

Daughter: Is that the country with all the black people, that don’t dress good?

Me: Yes, but they don’t dress like that anymore (referring to the movie Roots, that I thought would be educational for her to watch).

Daughter: Do white people still go over there and take them (said with the utmost concern for her cousin)?

Me: Not anymore.

Daughter: So they left them alone and don’t bother them anymore?

Me: Well not exactly, but they don’t steal them anymore.

Daughter: What do they do now?

Me: Now, they move in and take over their country and tell them what to do.

Daughter: So the white people are good now?

Me: Some of them.

I would love to see how this discussion would have gone with her father. However, she has never asked him race related questions and he seems oblivious to the fact that he has biracial children.

He Is Just As Bad As I Am

Do you remember the nice weekend I had last week and how understanding my husband was when I went shopping and bought items that I had not planned on? Well, he is WORSE than me. Tonight the children and I were at a get-together and I asked him to go to Saco (home appliance store) before I went wacko and get some Spearmint Oil for the ants and a nice straw broom (because my broom broke mid week and I have been on my hands and knees sweeping because the vacuum is still not fixed). When he came and picked us up, he informed me that there was no spearmint Oil so he got combat disc, a really lovely Ace Hardware Straw broom, and then my daughter screamed, “Thank You Abi!!!” when she saw the GREEN MACHINE. Masha’Allah.

It is 12:45am and he is assembling it now. Masha’Allah. I walked past him and gave him my ‘Mama Bear’ look and shook my head. He said, “You are only a child once Ummi (Mommy…yes we call each other Abi (my father/daddy and Ummi/my mother).”

One more reason you gotta love him!