Wait, before I get started, I have a newsflash! Just in from my daughter:
“Mommy, I’m sorry to tell you this but I have some really bad news”
Me: [Horrified] “What…what is it!!!!!!!”
” ‘X’ has a stepmother”
Me: “I know, she came yesterday”
“But ‘X’ is crying and said her mother ran away!”
Me: “What! I just talked to her mother two days ago…I’ll call her in the morning insha’Allah to find out what is going on”
I sure hope it’s not true. I can’t imagine her leaving her daughter. She is ALWAYS with her daughter and I am about the only house that she allows her to visit and most times she is with her and if not the visit is very short. She does not even leave her with her husband. She has been married to her husband for a very long time and they basically just live together. She told me years ago that she never worried about polygyny because her husband has no desire for women. So she has been very lonely and depressed for years and now he goes out and get this young tenderoni. I guess that could push you over the edge. I hope he is not just trying to save face, by marrying a young girl and ruining two lives.
Oh well – on to this post.
Very very busy day. I’m not ignoring my other comments, I’ll get to those insha’Allah. However, one of them deserved a thread of it’s own:
“sometimes it can be embarrassing having a good husband.”
So true! I once had a sister look me in my face and say “sisters who have good husbands should encourage their husbands to get married again!” I was too shy and embarassed to respond, as she said this amongst a group of sisters, some whom were cowives. In my mind I was thinking, why should I encourage my husband to get married? So that I can be miserable like you! I just cannot understand why, some women, who everyone knows are miserable in their shared marriage,try to stuff polygyny down the throats of others. If my husband is not bringing up the subject, why would I approach him with it?
There was a couple in my area who took it upon themselves to start a marriage service. Their goal was to hook up the single sisters with husbands, married or not. They successfully wreaked havoc in the community. The husband was hooking up all of his friends unbeknownst to their wives, some of whom were frinds of the wife. She even introduced me to a young girl she was trying to match up with my husband, although she did not tell me this at the time. I often think about this wife, last I heard her husband took another wife and she went crazy! Play with fire and you will get burned!
You said it Sister! I have seen others guilt tripped into polygyny. I’ve never exactly personally been made to feel guilty, but I still feel guilty. As a matter of fact almost every time I hear about a really bad case, of a sister in need I tell my dh, because I’m thinking “want for your sister what you want for yourself.”
Since making hijrah the problem has been compounded, because there are sisters who want to make hijrah as well and it just seems like they have no way. I was on a group where it was proposed that families who made hijrah, should marry as many women as they can in order to help more women and children to make hijrah. You don’t know how guilty that made me feel. Again, I told my husband but he just isn’t interested. He has been married before me and said that I am the only wife that he has ever married because HE WANTED TO. He said that he was guilt tripped into marrying before and does not want that to happen again. Not too mention, since most of our ‘hijrahs’ depend on being sponsored and one can loose their sponsor at any time – it would be an overwhelming responsibility for a man to have to worry about supporting multiple families in the event they must all leave the country. It is more logical that if a man wants to take an additional wife, then he would marry a local, who could possibly sponsor him and his family.
I have known other families to claim to be helping a sister out, only to end up making the sister’s situation worse. Adding more kids to her life and still leaving her high and dry in the end.
Often times, brothers who can barely handle the responsibilities of one family take on others. Of course believing that the rizq (provision) is from Allah. We know that Allah is Ar Razzaq (The Provider), so why not trust that Allah will provide for the sister. Why errbody gotta be Captain save A Hijabi?
I remember attending a talk, where the speaker promoted brothers to take extra wives even if they could not afford it. Specifically, he mentioned marrying the women who were on welfare. He thought it was a win win situation. The brother could get a lil extra lovin’ for free and the sister could….hmm..not sure what the sister gets out of the deal. Oh yea…she gets some lovin’ too – no strings attached…dude could bounce whenever he wants and doesn’t have to worry about rent or food. The current wife can get a never ending yeast infection, an STD , or even a black eye for complaining.
Now, in the case of the brothers who do have the money to support multiple families, most of them don’t have the same religious convictions to do so. Some of them will even opt to commit adultery, before taking on the responsibility of another family.
This ummah… This ummah…