Been Very Busy…
…doing nothing of interest for my viewers.
It took all my energy just to come up with that. I want to update my tweeter, facebook status, and check on my business websites…but I’m just not motivated. My laptop still isnt fixed because as you all know…women dont drive here in Saudi Arabioa, so I need to depend on my husband to drop it off. He’s attempted to do so on several occassions. The first time he took it to the store I bought it from, but they redirected us to their main showroom where they collect the repair jobs. Thats across town so my dh waited till the weekend to do it and when he went, they informed him that there is no pick up on the weekend. I have my old pc…actuall about 5 useless pcs and laptops laying around, but the only time I can do anything relted to web 2.0 type stuff is on my dhs laptop that he takes to work. It’s the weekend now so this is my obligatory blog post.
Not to mention, we traveled for two weeks and have more pressing issues than getting my laptop fixed. All that has taken away my general interest in the internet. I dont want to abandon my business, because I had finally got it in the right direction, but my husband complains so much about the time I spend online and accuses me of neglicating other things that the only time I can get my work done is once everybody is sleep. Which means that I’m exhausted all day and cranky. Which means that he has all but ORDERED me to close down my websites.
But that’s ok because he has found other things to occupy my time. I am his full time secretary and advisor. I’ve actually enjoyed helping him out, but often wonder is it fair at the expense of running my own business into the ground. I have come up with so many ways that I can make money while staying home, but he shoots them all down. I wonder what the real deal is. Is he really this manly man who wants to be the sole provider and maintainer, or is he a control freak, or does he have insecurities about me having my own money?
I haven’t figured it out yet, but alhamduillah he’s never let us down and ultimately Allah always provides for us. I guess the reason I dont complain is because I have commitment issues and he is my convieniet excuse for when or why I don’t want to do something.
Case in point. exam time is rolling around and I am getting bombarded with tutoring request. The money is actually pretty good, but my dh says no…no way…no how!!! I always see the money first and my dh says that is a fitnah for me, but in the end I’m glad he puts his foot down, because I know that after I bought whatever I had my eyes on for the time, I would not be interested in working anymore.
It’s funny because now that I think of it, I have always been like this even before him. Growing up my mother fobade me from working and going to school. She said school was my job and that she would provide for me. So the first time I worked was my senior year, a few months before graduation, so that could have money for all the senior activities and for when i went away to college. That turned out to be a diaster! The first job was working for my father at DOCKS. Anybody from Chicago? Docks is a fastfood seafood restaurant known for its Fishwich sanwich and Dockberry shakes. Dockberry shakes are made with Omar Juice mixed with Vanilla IceCrame. Omar Juice was founded my brother Omar a pioneer in the Nation of Islam and Docks was founded my My father and two other brothers from the NOI. Anyway, my very first day working at DOCKS, I was sent to the store on 79th and Vincennes. If memory serves me correctly this was their first store and at the time they had about 10 in Chicago and 5 in Philly. Again, if memory serves me correctly they had that store for around 15 years and it had NEVER EVER Been robbed before. So Im sure you know where I am going with this…
It just so happened that Allah decreed that on my very first day of work at my very first job I WAS ROBBED!!! Thats right…this type of stuff only happens to me! I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still see the expression on my manegers face (did I blog about this already? I feel like I am repeating myself) when he walked past and saw me handing out all the money. He first looked like, “wth is she doing?!!!!” and he started approaching me fast and then he froze…just stoped in his place and stared at the gun that was plunged deep in my stomach.
So after that, I went to work with my Uncle at his insurance company. I blogged about how my coworker attempted to kidnap me here. Truth be told these made good excuses for me to quit. After that, there was the odd summer job from college. One summer I had a job as a telemarketer and I hated it. I hadnt been there for a week, before I quit. I hadn’t planned on it but I went on my lunch break and at that time I was only a fish and chicken eater…no red meat. I had Cod for lunch. Returned to my office and my eyes swoll shut, nose was running, I was wheezing, couldnt breath, and was just messed up. I kept getting up to go to the bathroom to wash my face. My lips were huge and numb. I looked horrible. My supervisor sent me home. Later my friend Charita and her now husband took me to the emergency room. I had an acute allergic reaction and my body went into shock. The hospital called my mother and told her to come quick because I wasnt responding. She got there and they would not even tell her if I were dead or alive. They just kept saying, wait to see her doctor. Then I heard her screaming and making bomb threats if they did not let her see my corpse…she was convinced I was dead. So I started screaming, “I’m back here Mama”…lol
So I never went back to that job. I did manage to work as a Social Worker after college for almost 4 years. I hated every day of it and envied all my married friends who didn’t have to work. Eventually, Allah decreed a series of unfortunate events that led my job to sending me on a PAID adminitrative leave. What had happened was…a girl resident of the Detention Center that I worked at some how got pregnant my a boy who was in there being trialed as an adult for murder. The boy was being transfered because he had either got sentenced or his 17th birthday was coming up and that’s when they take you to the adult facilities. Anyway, a staff member helped him ‘get some’ from a girl before he left. When she got pregnant in our care there was an investigation. To cover for the staff member that hooked this up all involved including the staff said that I hooked it up. Everybody knew it was a lie so they wanted to get me out of there and sent me on a paid leave. I left and moved to Virginia during that time and met and married my husband. When my leave was up andI didn’t return I was fired and paid another 6 months of unemployment, but by then I had already married Prince Charming and was pregnant with my little Princess.
And we all lived happily ever after….
Masha’Allah
May 21, 2009 at 5:16 am
As Salaamu Alaiku,
see you do have something to say, smile.
May 21, 2009 at 5:59 am
You always have the most interesting stories, lol!
About the business thing, just pray istikhara and let Allaah guide you to whatever He has decreed. Husbands can be trying sometimes, but in the end, if they’re just and honest, they’ll never steer you wrong. Seek Allaah’s pleasure ultimately and YOU’LL never steer YOURSELF wrong. Inshaa Allaah.
Glad to hear from you!
May 21, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I was sad to hear that your husband puts pressure on you to close your websites. To tell you the truth, since reading your blogs, I have always wondered how your dh ALLOWED you to spend so much time on the computer as well as to pursue your business ventures.
I, like you , have a lot of business ideas and then go all out to get them started. After a while, when i have put so much time, effort and research into my project, my dh reigns me back in, telling me to stop wasting my time and do something that is goin to benefit me in the akhira, like read Quran. Also he uses the excuse that i am neglecting the kids. I get very frustrated but in the end, obey orders. I know that ultimately, he is right. That excuse will always get me, and then i very quickly lose all motivation to continue my venture.
Now the question is, am i just a dreamer – all words and no action, or am i just a subservient wife?
May 21, 2009 at 4:37 pm
wow subhanAllah….how interesting! by the way, what does ‘dh’ mean?
May 22, 2009 at 12:28 pm
ok, so after rehashing all that, have you learned your lesson?
This is my concern–are you able to maintain your muhajira status without your husband? Would you have to comeback should you be in a position w/o him? The tutoring sounds ideal because it –well it is! I don’t see it as so much about the money as being employable–I mean do you have a mahram other than the hubby who can support your family?
May 22, 2009 at 6:00 pm
wa alaykum salaam
Sawdah, rofl! You know I cracked myself up after I wrote all of that. Honetly, I really had nothing to report and then as is always…once I get started….
Asiya, not as interesting as the story you and your sisters told me that Ramadan that we will never forget! I still have a phobia of packed dates…I’ll let you tell that story!
reservedperson, you sound like me! That is my situation to a T! However, in my case it is just not work related. It is my whole life. I dont want people taking this the wrong way and thinking my dh (dear husband) is oppressive (because it is not from Islam, most of his ways is just him and he was raised a good ole Irish American Catholic!), because it’s not so much he is oppressive as he is a male chauvanist! He has rolls for everybody and in his mind the role of the woman (again not neccessarily Muslim women but ALL WOMEN) is in the home. If you have kids then that is your main priority. I agree with that, and my children are my main priority after my worship of Allah. However, he seems to forget that I am Muslim first and that my purpose in life is to worship Allah and to be the slave/servant of Allah and NOT the slave servant of him and his kids! Mind you I do have a live in maid….lol! So it’s not so much as the cooking and cleaning but the devotion. I’m not complaining about that either but I wish he realized all that mothers do…at least this mother. I havent had a good nights sleep in 10 years! All my kids sleep with me. My back aches. They fight over who sleps next to me, so as a result I have Ray Ray on my breast, Adam wedged in between me and Ray Ray (hence bac pains from being contoured), one of the girls either laying on top of me or at my feet (which means I’m balled up), and another on the side that I am not nursing on (which means that about 3-4 times a night I have to switch everybody around so i can switch breast!). Then there is my bladder! I don’t have the luxury to go to the bathroom whenever I please and when i finally do go…he TIMES ME!!!!! He has no respect for the sisters who have SISTERS ONLY NO KIDS ALLOWED gatherings. I’ve been instructed not to accept those invitations. as a result a few times sisters will tell me to bring the kids because they fell sorry for me (but who can have fun when you are too busy trying to make sure your kids don’t talk or move and of course they always want to eat the food that the hostess said is just for the adults). Anyway, my point is that he does not think a woman or at least his wife, or at least this wife should have a life outside of her husband and children. If I say this is not healthy, because I neglect myself (physically and mentally) then he makes me out to be weak or incompetant).
Wheeeew! Glad I got that off my chest.
After typing all of the above Im cracking up becauser I’m home alone and it’s quiet – alhamduillah!. He took all the kids to the store. He took 3 of them earlier while the baby and I took a nap, but now the baby is up and wants to get out. So I hope I didn’t make him sound too bad. He’s a good guy buy is afriad that I will neglect the kids if he gives me an inch…so he doesnt give me much breathing room. In the end it’s not that bad. I had a friend ask me the other day why do I have a maid, can’t I take care of my own house. I almost had an anxiety attack just thinking about it. Why should I doo all that when there is affordable help. Maidfs need jobs and I need help. Not to mention…my husband does not allow me to cook with kids i the kitchen or Iron with kids awake. So he is the one who insist on having a maid, so that I don’t neglect or harm the kids. My maid is off this weekend and as much as I have tried the house is a mess! Since my dh is also off, I lock myself in the kitchen while he watches the kids. I do this after I cleaned up the house. When I come out with my proud and happy, “meals ready” I wanna scream! The house has been turned upside down while I’m in the kitchen. See when the maid is here I am with the kids and I don’t allow them to make those types of messes. Dh however, thinks it cute to let them “explore” and make messes. He even gets tickled at my expressions (both facial and oral) when I see the damage. i on the other hand DO NOT find it amusing!
Brooke, you raised some valid points and I have raised those samer concerns. He does not seem too concerned about it. whenever I bring it up, he says that is why he needs a business. Once Ray Ray is in school he may lighten up insha’Allah. I will remind him that I need to stay employable. I have a bachelors degree. If I keep tutoring jobs or work 2 hour night or day jobs at a language Institute, then I’ll have something to put on a CV in the event that I need my own Iqama (resident permit) one day. As of now, he’ll allow me to teach inthe house if the kids can be in the room with me!!! What I have done in the past is, a preschool program and a weekend reading program. That way my kids were involved. I’m thinking of startuing my reading program back up for the summer, because i need to help my kids anyway.
This could have been a separate post!
May 23, 2009 at 7:26 am
I literally shove people off my bed onto “their pile” of blankets on the floor. Yeah, I’m soo mean because I don;t make them sleep in THEIR beds! I gave up ironing, not only is it a horrible task, it is nerve racking around really little kids who are just so curious. No cooking around them? I thought my hubby was paranoid because he’s afraid they’ll lose an eye if they go fishing!
May 24, 2009 at 8:42 pm
As Salaamu Alaikum,
I know about to sleeping with me thing. I have a 13 year that if i let her she would do it every night. And my 7 year old is bigger than some grown men. LOL. so even now i am away from home and they tell they are fine. I say dont you miss me? They say no that is why they are in my room. It has my smell and reminds them of me so what do they need me for? I am like well dang. Here i am over here missing you like crazy calling a thousand time an hour and feeling like i need to rush home and cant live without you and they are like we are enjoying the break. Imagine that. They need a break from me. Hmmmm
May 28, 2009 at 11:02 pm
You’ll have to remind me about the dates story, I can’t seem to remember that one!
May 31, 2009 at 2:22 am
I am a bit confused. You are living happily ever after, but you have not had a good night’s sleep in 10 years. And now your husband has ordered you to stop your work. My beloved sister, and this is coming from a woman who’s oldest daughter is about your age, take better care of yourself. Husbands have rights over their wives. Wives have rights over their husbands. Our bodies have rights over us: nourishment, mental stimulation and sleep.
I don’t see how you are living happily ever after, but perhaps you somehow have convinced yourself that “things” are ok. We all do it. You should train your children that bed time is bed time — in their beds. It’s exhausting work, but the reward (sleeping alone) is worth it and also beneficial for your entire household. I understand love and devotion to a spouse. But your husband is doing you no favors and is not respecting that you want your home to be managed a certain way (you know order, kids picking up behind themselves and having boundaries) and that you have your own interests -business and personal. An sound Islamic tradition is that the wife is the Lady of the House, as In Charge, Head Honcho or whatever term you find applicable. My DH of almost 30 years is appreciative of the fact that I don’t care for red velour drapes as I have a very minimalist personal and home style. Otherwise, it would be the red drapes…
Marriage is a constant trade off, bargaining and matter of compromise between the husband and the wife. Based on your postings, despite your husband’s good qualities, he has a lot of growing up and in Islam to do. Not unusual for a young man (to me someone under 40 is young), but believe me, even my 16-year old son already knows that setting ground rules for how you want someone else to dress, cook, clean, etc. is not going to work for long. My life is a constant challenge. I have my own personal issues just like many women, but am grateful that Allah has give me a husband who uses his intellect and recognizes that I am another human being with a different background, path and tastes and that it is not all about him. Somehow, when we know that a person has the upper hand in a relationship (money, status, authority, beauty, connections) it is easy to call all the shots, like where and when someone can iron.
Sis, I have been there with little ones, not being able to read a single line without interruptions and getting dressed in the car, bus or ladies’ room because I had no time at home. I lived and worked in Saudi sometime ago, so I am not unaware of the dynamics of family life in that country. Seems that, from this observer, that like many men, your husband is uncomfortable with the success you are experiencing separate from him. You can work for him as his secretary and advisor, but you can’t work for yourself. Typical, but not very Islamic and rather hypocritical. Being a Muslim husband is not being a ruler, but rather a provider, keeping your nafs in check and remembering that you “want for your brother or sister what you want for yourself – wives included.