I am seriously pondering, if there many truly happily married couples. I have found out horrible news of couples that appeared to be the ‘perfect couple’ with the ‘perfect family’. The stuff that goes on in some of those homes are far worse than the stuff that goes on in the homes of the couples that publicise their business. Which leads me to wondering if there are people who HONESTLY want to have the same spouse in Jannah.
I know sisters who have fitnah filled marriages, but they really love their husbands, black eyes and all, revolving door of co-wives and all, working to support (or collecting welfare) the family cause he don’t want to work for the kufar and all. These sisters will tell you that In Jannah everything will be all good and whatever problems you are having with your spouse in the dunyah will not be like that in Jannah. But what if you don’t want him in Jannah and furthermore, what if his treatment of you in the dunyah makes him deserving of a time out period in jahannam? You wanna wait for him or you pray Allah gives you someone much much better in Jannah?
I have a friend now who I envied (in a halal type of way), because she has the most content children, masha’Allah. I have one daughter who is never content, she gets bored very easy… Masha’Allah. Even if I were to spend the whole day running her around to do everything she likes, the minute we get home she says, “I’m bored”. It’s bed time and her eyes are closing but she is bored… Masha’Allah. My friend’s children seemed to always be happy just staying in the house. Her dh works shifts, so he was never really available to take them places so they were always in the house and really didn’t have many toys. As a matter of fact the mother was suffering from depression and even though she was with the kids 24/7 she wasn’t really there sometimes…ya know? Well after her dh tried to kill her she let me in on the family secret, that she and the kids are abused and that is why they are so content…masha’Allah.
Yesterday, another sister was spat in the face by her dh. Why? Because she called him at work and asked him to come home from work (he normally goes out after work and when he comes home he bypasses the family and locks himself away from them and demands their silence so he can sleep) and take the kids to the park because she was stressed out and feared doing or saying anything that would cause them pain or bring on the wrath of Allah. She explained her fragile state to him and told him that she just needed a short break, just a little time to herself so that she could think, listen to the Quran, clean the fridge without the baby breaking the eggs, clean the oven that was so greasy it was becoming a fire hazard, and iron, fold, and put away the laundry without the kids playing in it. She told him that she often read about loving mothers who killed their kids and cited the cases of the Stay at Home, Homeschooling, Church going woman who was ‘perfect’ by everyone who knew her but she drowned all 7 of her kids and calmly called her dh at work and told him to come home cuz she killed the kids. She reminded him of the woman who strapped her two sons in their car seats and drove them into the lake. Nobody knows what happened that day. Even I can imagine how they were possibly fighting, screaming, and crying in the car and she just snapped wa authoo billah…..She told him that it wasn’t a threat, nothing was premeditated, but she was trying to prevent this from happening. She was not saying she was even capable of doing it but she could not say she was incapable of doing it. She told him to please take her request (for him to come get the kids for a few hours…there’s a park nearby) as a serious cry for help and to not blame her for not being all she can be (he usually compares her to other peoples wives who just because he ate a good meal at their home he assumed the woman has no problems handling her domesticc life). He was very calm and said ok he would be there (he was at work). This brother is known and respected in his community. He is one of the brothers who does have good adab and character, not one of the people you would expect this from like nuqtah said in the post on polygyny. Well the brother came home as he said. He was loading the kids up, the mom was listening to Quran and trying to eat for the first time that day (mind you it is almost nightfall and she’s been up since fajr!). He screamed at her and ordered her to do something. She told him that this is not the way you talk to someone on the verge on a mental breakdown. She reminded him that she was emotional and a bent rib and that she was not asking much of him so why all the attitude. He told her that they would discuss it later when they were alone. She reminded him that they are rarely alone and when they are ‘discussing things’ is not on his agenda. She said that the kids were well aware of her plight because she had to lock then in their room for their own protection earlier until she could get herself together. This is when he snapped! He starting hollering and screaming at how she better not ever threaten HIS children. As he spoke spit was getting all in her face and she was wiping it off and told him to calm down. He said oh you don’t want my spit in your face and hocked up and spit in her face two times! In front of the kids! He then said I will teach you a lesson and he dragged her and threw her down and was about to beat her (in front of the kids) until she screamed in pain after he sat on her recently operated on stomach. He snapped out of his satanic trance and apologised and blamed it on Shaytan. She reminded him that this was exactly what she was trying to prevent from herself. If he a so-called good brother could behave like that towards a wife who caused him no harm (and blame it on shaytan) than what makes him think that she could not one day do the same to the children?
I could go on and on with examples and I’m sure my readers can to. Unfortunately, I can not name one marriage that is without problems, because that is the reality of marriage, it’s hard work. I still would like to know if there are people who do not secretly want a different spouse in Jannah (well for the brothers they can have the dunyah wife and more so it doesn’t count for them) or are they so happy and content with their dunyah spouse that they would never pray for any other.
Subhanullah…I am speechless
[...] Umm Adam’s latest post is exactly why I posted this one. (For background, most of this goes on with converts) [...]
Subhanallah! Its like I said on another blog, brothers need spriritual help. I dont know what is available but some brother needs to start something to reach out to this brothers because its like their hearts are turning to stone. Some brothers, you wonder if they know Allah wants you to Love your wife and family. Its like they don’t even know what love is.
Insha Allah the sister is ok and getting some support.
Wow, your post is making me well up. I can relate to the stress of house wife/homeschooling no break ready to crack syndrome. I disagree with Bro. Tariq, even in muslim societies where cousins marry, they grew up with each other and have family support on both sides, abuse and conflict still persists.
Subhan’Allah… this is scary… :O
When I get married, insha’Allah, may Allah protect me from this sort of thing!!! Ameen!!!!!
[...] Our dear sister Umm Adam has a great piece about marriage over at her blog. She poses the question just how many good and functional marriages are out there when most of the people she knows ( and I know) do not have good marriages. This is something I have said for years “marriages look a lot better from a distance and the more you get to know a couple you usually find out that their marriage isn’t all its cracked up to be”. [...]
It is shocking but not really. I mean, in all honesty, it is the marriages that do seem “perfect” infront of other people that are usually the ones who are completely messed up. First of all, perfection does not exist. Every marriage has its ups and downs. Yet, it is how you deal with those ups and downs that counts. Ignoring them will ultimately lead to disaster. Addressing the issues head-on and in a decent manner usually is the best way. (I know, I am gonna sound like a marriage counselor here…..LOL) But seriously, this is my opinion.
First and formost, Allah should be the number one consideration when dealing with any human being.The way I look at it, when Allah is always remembered and He is the first priority in the persons life, then what ever action is taken would usually be pleasing to Allah.
Second, respect is very important. If one has self-respect to begin with then he/she will be able to respect others around them which of course would include the spouse.
Third of all, communication in a marriage is a very very big issue that is usually ignored. Come to think of it, communication in any relationship is important. In all honesty, what I have noticed and Subhan’Allah, but how one communicates with his/her parents says A lot about how they are able to communicate with others. Example: Looking at a son and how he speaks to his mother and vice versa. Of course all of this is simply my opinion, again and it is what I feel.
Very sad post indeed, I must say. This is definately an issue that really NEEDS to be addressed in the Muslim Community. Society, whether in the west or the east, I think, is driven too much by materialism and thus Allah and the after life, has become a secondary issue in peoples lives. For this reason, I feel that people have become careless, disgusting and aloof to what is really important and counts in life.
I am really sorry for this Muslim sister and what she is going through. May Allah help her and guide her and her children Insha’Allah. I am also sorry for this Muslim brother for blaming your actions on the “Shaytan” is such a cowardly way and Allah does not buy it because we are all born with a considerable amount of Free-will. I do get sick and tired of hearing “Ahhh, the shaytan made me do this and that”……LOL I am sorry but try another excuse please. WE are all capable of using our minds after all, I do believe that is the difference between us and animals???
Now of course, no one is perfect and we all committ sins in one way or another. May Allah have mercy on all our souls. Allah kareem. Yet, what I am trying to say is that once you acknowledge you made a mistake you should repent and change your ways. I sincerely hope that this brother will go and seek help. But this way is really not healthy for the children and this is where I really get upset. Our children learn from us. We are their role models and when someone like this brother behaves this way, what is he teaching them??
I could go on and on with this because like I said it is an issue that certainly NEEDS to be addressed.
And to answer your curiosity of wanting to know if there are couples out there who want to be with the same spouses in Janna, Insha’Allah. Well, yea, my mother and father.:) Been married Masha’Allah for 40 years. My mom always talks about how she wants to reunite, Insha’Allah with my father, bless his soul. (He died in 1999). And myself with my husband, Insha’Allah, whom I thank Allah for day in and day out. Love is a wonderful feeling and may all Insha’Allah experience it in this dunya and the hereafter. Allah kareem!
Umm Binat
I’m not saying that knowing the person will lead to perfect marriage, but it beats not knowing anything at all.
Given 10 marriages where the couples know something about each other, and 10 complete stranger marriages, I’d think that perhaps 5-6 of the first would probably work out while only maybe only 1 complete stranger marriage works out
Masha’Allah Umm Sinan, that was an excellent contribution. I agree wholeheartedly with you. Your advise was accurate and in the correct order.
If you are the wife of Abu Sinan Al-Bloggee, than I can see why you would want him as your zawj in jannah. According to his blog he meets all of your qualifications and speaks very highly of you and your family…masha’Allah. May Allah reunite your mother and father and you and your husband and children in jannah…aameen!
Assalamu alaikum, I’ve just recently gotten married fo rthe second time! The first time I got married, I didn’t do anything right! I didn’t get married “Islamicly”, because I was actually told it wasn’t necessary (even though that made me feel really uncomfortable). And there were many thigns I saw about my first husband, before we got married, that I really didn’t like, but I made the mistake my mom used to always tell me not to make, which was to marry him, thinking that things would get better *after the marriage*. Well, I’m sure you can imagine that things didn’t get better, and ended up getting wrose! Suffice it to say that the marriage barely lasted two years, it was abusive, I was treated terribly, Subhanallah!
When I decided to get married a second time, we decided to do it right. I had a wali that I felt comfortable with, although I actually knew the brother, indirectly, before I made the wali. I spent a lot of time observing, talking to,and generally trying to get to know my new husband before we got married! I found we had a lot in common, we enjoyed talking to each other, and I felt comfortable around him! I had decided that if anything made me feel uncomfortable if there were any “red flags”, as it were, then I’d either deal with them, or walk away! Because it is better to be alone or to end a discussion on marriage now, and hurt a little in the short term, i.e., be disappointed, etc., than to get maried anyway, and hurt worse in the long-term!
Also, my family likes him, and one thing he said to me, when we were discussing marriage, was that his marrying me was contingent upon my family’s comfort with him. Anyway, another thing was that we did not rush into marriage, we knew each toher for a year before we got married. I can’t say that this will definitely lead to a “successful” marriage, but this definitely is a start, I think, and definitely better than marrying seone, knowing that you don’t feel comfortable wit them, and ignoring the “red flags”. Perhaps this is something I can blog on, and on that note, time for dhuhr! Take care all.
Ginny, congratulations on your new marriage. Barakallahu feeki!
I married my dh two weeks after our ‘interview’. I met him once in person with my wali (Idris Palmer)who was one of the many brothers who recommended us for each other, at AOU in the office of one of the Shaykhs. I always jokingly tell people that Allah veiled all of my dh’s faults from me and I was blind to them until AFTER we married (also brothers pumped him up to be more than he actually was…masha’Allah).
We are two of the most different people on the face of the earth. Like night and day. I like tooth paste gel, he likes paste. I love spicy food, he can not tolerate it. I like my food served hot, he has a fit when I serve him hot food and drives me crazy eating food right out of the fridge without warming it up. I take my time and chew my food and take small bites, he practically swallows his food whole. I’m a night owl, he goes to bed after Isha. I am black, he is white…..etc etc etc
Would I have married him if I knew al of this incompatibility? Probably not but I’m glad I did. we are the odd couple but we both never hold grudges no matter what the other one did and we both are easily brought back to our senses with reminders from the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of our Prophet (salla Allahu Alayhi Wa Salam).I can honestly not think of any other person I would rather be married to. Sure I would like a perfect version of him (and he probably wishes he could tape my mouth shut), but perfection is only for Allah so I guess we will just have to wait till we get to Jannah, insha’Allah, to have that perfect marriage. Until then, life’s a fitnah.
As-Salaamu ‘alaikum,
I get the impression that there are a lot of brothers who simply don’t respect women, and a lot of them come from the ghetto which is not well known for men who really respect women. One sister I was in contact with (see this post) recently told me that she had married a brother who really impressed her until a month after their marriage, when she discovered on the grapevine that he had another wife, which certainly would have put her off him if she had known before she married him. On other occasions I’ve heard of brothers who make promises to the sisters before marrying them, and then renege on them afterwards (whether they intended to keep them is doubtful, to say the least).
It gives us converts a bad name; a lot of kuffar think that Islam encourages men to treat women as doormats and demands that women behave as such, and this attitude of course suits some guys down to the ground. If you don’t have Muslim female relatives (mother, sisters, aunts) it can be easy to transfer one’s jahili attitude to women into one’s Muslim life. I wonder how many born Muslims treat women as coldly and cynically as this.
congrats Ginny!!! I am so happy for you!!
Assalamu alaikum, thanks Um Abdullah and Um Adam. Started my job today, been really busy! Just jumped on here long enough to look through my favorite blogs before going to sleep.
I’ve been a muslim since I was born, in the US, in New York, to convert parents. I married a convert in 2002. I love this brother with all my heart and would be honored to be married to him in Jennah. He is everything a Muslim husband should be and then some.
So, yea, it happens.
And for what its worth, I have, I would say, at least 5 – 6 ‘couple’ friends, who ARE happily married and love their spouses to death. We share some of the complexities of marriage, so I know they aren’t just telling stories or putting on a show.
Alhamdulillah, we know how much Allah has blessed us.
But as we all know, Allah puts challenges of different types in everyones paths – lol, of the group of us, I think only one couple has managed to live above the poverty level in this country. The rest of us, including me, are WELL under, with multiple kids to support. And thats our God-given struggle.
Allah may bless you in one area of live, but know that He will test you in another. Its part of why he put us here in the first place!
i also am happily married and would only want my dear husband as my spouse in jannah.
I can understand how the situation escalated like that. If you don’t work it out good, kids can literaly snap both of you. For the woman she is sometimes constantly with them and drives her mentally crazy.
For the man..sometimes its a cycle as well..work .. lack of sleep..crabby food and kids..back to work..
You really gota set marriage as a priority and work on it so when tough times hit, you slide right through it with eachother’s support.
Happy wife and UmmAbd, masha’Allah! I am glad to here that your marriages are good and good enough to want to be in Jannah togther! I’m sure there are many more out that, but unfortunately you only really hear about the bad ones.
You know what the sad thing is that, these women would never say or tell people what they are going through! what i mean is they still put their men on petal stools!? what ever reason kids,yourself, society, u just plain stupid! I have a quote my mom told me years and years ago..”Once a man hits you, all it takes is one time, he’ll always hit you!” She’s not muslim(may Allah guide her) but she spoke from experience. May Allah guide these men and women! Ameen!
good post mashallah!
Jazaaki Allaahu khairan for sharing that very saddening story.
We all have to realize that men snap also due to stress. Just like we can make excuses for women who snap, we should be able to make it for them. Him snapping, only proved that they hadn’t been communicating very effectly, and were both stressed out of their mind.
None of us are perfect. Men yell, women yell, unless they mold themselves not to and stand strong or were raised in such a way. But even then, one is bound to snap one day, unless it isn’t written.
No marriage is perfect and every person needs to enter marriage wtih a realistic view. Children, working, school, sickness, etc… add stress to the family. But like the sister said, it is how we respond to these changes, that matters.
Me & my dh, though we aren’t perfect, and have been through our share of stuff, are alhamdulillaah content. Sometimes we don’t want to be near each other but that’s normal, especially after a few years and having a child, but though we may say things that we don’t mean sometimes, in the end we realize our mistake. This to me is a major part of a successful marriage… humbling yourself to your own faults.
This is terrifying. Is there no happiness in this world? Being a bachelor sucks, and all of us young Muslims can’t wait to get married and be all happy. We realize that it’ll have its ups and downs, but hearing things like this… My God !
It’s a part of life. Some learn to deal with things better then others.
[...] Adam’s latest post is exactly why I posted this one. (For background, most of this goes on with [...]
Subhanallah
I’m gob smacked, the story bout the husband who spits on his wifes face…
does one have to have a spouse in jannah? i just want some peace if I make jannah insha Allah.
Umm a allahu alim but know this…if u get to jannah it won’t matter cuz whatever your case in jannah is is good!
assalamu alaykum, i just stumbled onto your blog today- it’s a fun read
count me also as someone who wants the same spouse in jannah, insha’Allah. neither of us are perfect, we have our life issues etc but alhamdulillah i don’t think i could have had a better spouse even if i could have custom-ordered one!
As salamu alaikum,
Yes men from the ghetto are disrespectful,but the women disrespect themselves too. Not just the ghetto,but since I’ve lived there I know about it. Some of these sisters are proposing marriage to men who have families they struggle to care for and could care less as long as they get sex out of it. Subhana Allah some of these women offer themselves for only a 3 month period,which is haram,its called muta’a and is zinaa.
None the less,why don’t we think about jinn possesion, magic & the evil eye? That is a reality,yet we act like it can’t happen. The Prophet,sal Allahu alayhi wa salam,was afflicted with magic. The children of the sahabi Jafar,radi Allahu anhum were often afflicted with ayn. So why do we feel safe, as if its stuff you see in horror flicks? So many evil magicians that dress like us, talk like us,and “pray” next to us, are there only to destroy our families. If a brother or sister is doing things out of character,making horrible decisions,fatigued,and other stranger new habits, it just may be magic,ayn, possesion,or even all three. May Allah save us from this evil,ameen.
@Umm23, The ayn, majic, and jinn possesion are all real and I seek refuge in Allah from them.
salam
It seems to me in the first blog of um Adam there is the real reason for the disunity. It comes from women who struggle to cope with their basic job description and then turn on their husbands expecting them to
empathise and understand the hard nature of their role
gimme a break!!
try taking a trip to any other Muslim african or Arab country and see how the women their work for their families. yet they do household and back breaking work and yet still sexually perform for their husbands at the end of it all.
they find chances throughout the day to laugh and relax wth their neighbours and at the end of it all, good or bad they realise that they are blessed to have a husband.
If western and khaleegyia sisters were to experiance more hardships they might find less to moan about and more reasons to be happy.
Classic also that um Adam should know whatys going on in intimate details in others houses. this lack of shame in teh sisters running and teling each other their problems is as many Salaf of this ummah have pointed out is one of the easiest ways for a family to continue to experiance marital discord.
sisters in stead of reaching for the phone or typing the email why not ask yourself
shouldn’t I phone someone who is versed in sharee’ah and speaks my language to get some advice.
e
” try taking a trip to any other Muslim african or Arab country and see how the women their work for their families. yet they do household and back breaking work and yet still sexually perform for their husbands at the end of it all.”
I often wonder why sisters leave such shameful post as this on their blogs to assault reader’s eyes? muslim women should do housework and backbreaking work during the day and still be able to sexually PERFORM FOR their husbands at the end of it all and it is beyond them to even feel overwhelmed by it and think they deserve a few hours to themselves once in a while to keep sane.
Mr. whoever you are, do yourself a favour, don’t bother getting married to a muslim woman. Just get yourself a slave and make her break her back serving you and your family all day without lifting a finger to help, and demand she serves you her body all night, and forbid her to ever complain.